Days Left.

Written: 2/13/12

XXXX,

You’re constantly on my mind and I look forward, so much, being able to see you, spend time with you, and communicate love to you in person.  Days left til I’m down there, only if it is for a few days.  I’m praying that some how in my brief time down there, that I not only spend time with you, but that I make you feel so loved.  You are so important to me.  You XXXX, are so vital to a smile on my face and a confidence in my heart.  You are so kind and the portrait of a woman I want to spend my life with.  God willing, I will have a life time to tell you everyday in-case no one else does, every morning to be the first, and constantly in-case you forget, how unique and great of a blessing you are to me XXXX in my  whole life time.  God willing and amen, amen and amen.

Loyalty

Written: 2/6/12

XXXX,

I’m wearing my heart on my sleeves it seems for months, and I don’t mind.  Don’t take it the wrong way I hope, but God willing, I’ve been praying that one day you tell me that I’m the one you’ve been waiting for, that it has always been me.  That I may not have been your first love, but you would love for me to be your now and your last.  I pray that you love me and I pray that you do.  More so I pray that I love you. Days ago, I sent an email to you and here’s what it read:

(“I want you to know that i want to be a special person to you, but I see at the moment I have to start by being a friend.  Than here is the kind of friend I want to be for you. I want you to first know that I will be there for you in time of hardship. That you don’t ever need to worry if I’m going to pick up, If I’m going to call. No. Never. I will be at your door knocking. Next, I want you to know that I will help you depend upon God and not me. I hate to see you discouraged.  I will not personalize myself as the answer to your problems, but I will be with you seeking to solutions.  I vow to strive to be a person that as you spend time with you feel stronger, not tired and weaker and that I stimulate the love that is in your heart.  Third is that I seek to be a source of emotional stability for you.  You do not have to be afraid; you do not have to fear.  I will be a friend to clam you down.  The bad, the ugly, the difficult conditions that I may find you in at times to come is not the person I know you to be and I will say “lets get back to where we need to be.” Know also that your secrets can and will be safe with me.  You can trust me.  Ensure you of my loyalty.  I will tell you the truth, the complete truth, challenge you to be the best you can be and love you through anything.  I will be this for you. The relationship will be self effacing and unashamed of my loyalty towards you.  I will rejoice in the success you have and even when my loyalty to you may cost me, my loyalty to you will be public and some may not like where my loyalty to you stands, but it will not be concealed.  The loyalty I speak of is not blind, it’s not that I will not see problems you may have, it’s that we work on it together  Last, when I see you again, I will verbalize my commitment to you.  I’m telling you, I’m committed to you and you can count on me.  When you fall I will help you up.”)

XXXX, those words and so many more are all true. I do miss you and wish I was where you are with you.  Just wish I was with you.

Two Questions

Written:   1/27/1

I have two questions God I want to ask XXXX when I see her.  You willing of course.  First one is:  “On a scale of zero to ten, how much does XXXX feel loved by me?“  The second one, “On a scale of zero to ten, how much does XXXX love me?”

Holding her in my arms for a tight hug, God, is my request, is a desire of my heart.  We don’t even have to say much, just know that we are loved by the other.

I pray God that I learn and continue to do more of and better job of loving XXXX, I want to be support to her.  May XXXX have many years of health and keep her heart sorrow free. I pray these prayers for her God.  Like a bridge over troubled water, I will lay me down for her.  God please,  I ask in your son’s name, let her know I love her, support her, protect and will provide for her, that I’m committed to her, that I’m all in for as long as it takes.  God willing I’m going to see it through.

Balance

Written: 1/26/12

“If the key ingredient for friends that stumble is love, the key ingredient for friends that stray is truth.  All love and no truth is hypocrisy, all truth and no love is brutality.  The power is in the balance.”  I want that balance for us, I strive for that balance for us XXXX.  I thank God for putting on my spirit the will, the passion to see this through. And as much as I do want to be with you XXXX in the romantic way, I know the power of a healthy fulfilling friendship. So I vow this:

   “I’m committed to you.  You’ll never knowingly suffer at my hands.  I’ll never say anything knowingly or do anything knowingly to hurt you.  I’ll always in every circumstance seek to support you.  If your down and I can lift you up, I’ll do it.  Anything I have that you need I’ll share it with you and if I have to, I’ll give it to you.  No matter what I find out about you either good or bad, no matter what happens in the future either good or bad, my commitment to you will never change and there’s nothing you can do about that.  You don’t have to respond.  I love you and that’s what it means.” 

A friend, a biblical friend to hold you up when you stumble and straight when you stray.

XXXX, I want a relationship with you that is “ATC,” absolutely totally committed. I wan to be that to you, for you.  I want to do this the right way. Absolutely committed – that’s all that I have, totally committed – that’s as long as it takes.  I want to communicate love to you XXXX. I never want you to truly be alone.  I never want you to be isolated from the one’s who love you.  We can grow together.  And I do need you in my life to be the man I ought to be.  You are so special, unique, and gifted.  You’re perfectly crafted by God and it’s a blessing for me to be apart of your life.  You are so important to me XXXX, I never want to lose you.  I see how smart, kind, bright you are.  I see the warmness of your heart.  I feel it. I see the peace your soul can bring. I feel it.  And I know the healing your spirit holds.  So all that I have for as long as it takes I will love you XXXX.

Love is a Garden

Written: 1/21/12

First Corinthians 3:6 sums up to tell us that some may plant and others may water, but God gives the growth.  This tells us that we can’t control outcomes, we can only control effort.  God is the one who produces the growth.  Here are what seasons sometimes look like:  “You bare fruit, than you get pruned.  If you survive that and don’t quit, you bare more fruit and than get pruned again.”  This is saying that the hard times hurt, they cutt at you but if you understand that you control your effort, God will give the growth and you don’t quit. You bare fruit.  And a little bit more every season:  We don’t like pruning or being pruned, but when the Lord says this will make you stronger, better, we have to submit to that.  And if we quit we will miss a lot of discipline that leads to authenticity of serving God, and helping others.  And I personally see it as authenticity of loving you XXXX.  Therefore I see service and putting in the work and effort as my obligation.  Though I know at the end I am un-worthy of the kind of love I write about between us XXXX, the love I have for you,…I will not quit.  I may plant, and I may water, but God grows and He never fails. I will love and serve even when my life seems to full, even when I want to quit, and even when my own heart is breaking.  I’ll love you to the end.  I will never knowinly betray you or cause heart-ache.  I will love and serve you even in silence.  Sometimes the time for talking is over (perhaps why I write so much), that words can’t fix or do this.  I just need to put in actions.  Do what is my duty and privledge to do. Just do it.  So I will serve and love even when life seems to full, when I want to quit, when my own heart aches and at times broke.  I will love and serve with my actions and as well as my words.  I will love and serve humbling, muturally , and immediately.  I will follow the perfect example of how Jesus showed me how to love. I thank God so so much for letting me love you XXXX XXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

Written:  1/15/12

One of the hardest things you can do is tell the person you love, that you like them.  I love you XXXX, but I can’t tell you yet.  If I tell you, I may hurt you and I don’t want to do that.  You seem to have enough on your mind and I don’t want to be a problem for you.  So I will not tell you right now.  I will have self control and pray to my farther in heaven to answer your prayers and mine.  And through I may not tell you right now, I’ll show you in every way possible the right way.  Starting by listening and being there when you need me.  God willing, we’ll dance together.

Even Without Me

Written:  1/11/12

As much as I care, and want for XXXX to forever be in my life God.  I know I will never be better for her than the plans you already have for her.  So if those plans don’t include me I hurt so so much, but I love her truly and real. So the love for her will allow me to deal with deep heart ache if it means she is better with out. Don’t leave her God. She believes, help her un-belief. I love her. I love you God.